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The Latest Jokes - Page 151
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel bad, I look fat, ugly and hairy. Give me a compliment." The wife replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect.
knock knock
whos there ?
britney spears
britney spears who?
knock knock
whos there ?
britney spears
britney spears who ?
oops i did it again!
There are 3 types of people; those who can do math, and those who can't.
An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy
"If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get
an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he
retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an
ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and
calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. this
is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
I read that drinking was bad so I had to give up reading.
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death.
Did you hear about the man who didn't talk to his wife for 15 years?
He didn't want to interupt.
a pirate walks into a bar and orders a rum. While he does this the bartender can't help but notice that the pirate has a ship's steering wheel coming out of the pirate's pants, the bartender asks the pirate: "sir, i've got to ask ya, why do you have a ships wheel hanging out of your trousers?" the pirate responds, "Arrr it be driven me nuts!"
knock knock
whos there
im a pile up
im a pile up who
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."..... Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession." Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE! Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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