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The Latest Jokes - Page 193
i didn't have a cool childhood my mother left me before i was born
Your momma is so old, i told her to act her age, and she died!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his parents egged him on!
So Sven and Ole run into one another at the hardware store, and says "Hey Ole! How's it going?"
"Oh jeez, Sven. Not so good," he says.
"Well, what seems to be the problem, Ole?"
"Well, you see, Lena and I just haven't been able to get any sleep for weeks, Sven, donchaknow. See, we've got this family of raccoons living under our house and they just keep chattering away all day and all night something awful!"
"Oh, Ole. You should have come to me before," says Sven. "I know just what you've got to do. You've got to take some lutefisk and throw it right there under the house and the raccoons, they'll go away."
"Huh," says Sven. "You know, today's Sunday, and every Sunday Lena makes something special. And that something special for the last 46 years has been lutefisk. So if she makes lutefisk today and there's any left over, I might just throw some under the house and see if the raccoons go away."
So they both bid farewell and go their separate ways.
Well, the next week, they run into one another again at the hardware store, donchaknow. Sven says to Ole "Hey Ole! How's it going?"
"Oh jeez, Sven. Not so good," he says.
"Well, what seems to be the problem, Ole? Didn't you try the lutefisk trick?"
"Ya," he says.
"Well, what happened?"
Well, we tried the lutefisk trick and the raccoons went away, but now we've got a family of Norwegians living under our house."
Ole, Lena, and Sven are lost out in the freezing wilderness, when they stumble across an Arabian-style lamp.
Lena says "Hey, this looks like one of them Genie-lamps like in the movies!"
So Ole says "Hey, let's rub it and see what happens!" So they do, and a ghostly figure emerges.
"I am the Genie of the North," says the spirit, "and will grant you each one wish. Think carefully now, and choose your wishes."
Lena takes the lamp and says "Well, gee, it's awfully cold here, and we've been lost for days. I really wish I was back home in front of the fire!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" He claps his hands together and Lena vanishes, leaving the lamp on the ground.
Ole then picks it up. "Well, home in front of the fire sounds good to me. I wish I was home with Lena!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" Again, he claps his hands, and Ole vanishes.
So Sven picks up the lamp and thinks for a bit. "Well, it sure is cold here, and I'm feeling a bit lonely out here all by myself. I really wish Ole and Lena were back here with me..."
you know the cheif medical officer's warning on cigarette packets, "smoking tobacco seriously damages your health"? it should read: "smoking tobacco seriously damages your wallet".
And God said let there be irony. Nothing happened.
What did one mountain say to the other mountain after the earthquake? It wasn't my fault!
baby if beauty is on the inside, you need to turn inside out
Yo mamma so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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