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The Latest Jokes - Page 262
how many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's not their department.
There was a breaststroke swimming competition to swim 2 miles back and forth. There were three competitors, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette was the first to win, at just under one hour and forty five minutes. The redhead finished shortly after. After several hours later, the bonde was exhausted, and collapsed on the ground. The judges were concerned and asked what happened; the blonde replied,"I think the other girls cheated, they were using their hands!"
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Only in America can pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool?
Because God couldn't find a virgin or three wise men!
How cold is it? It's so cold my nursing baby is getting ice cream.
orange you glad to see me?
If jimmy cracked corn and no one cared why is there a song about him?
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine,
the other four.
The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf
and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?"
The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope,
not for my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and
not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old
brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right
here??"
Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV
if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike,
and my little brother can't do either!"
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!" Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 63.6709% The joke's popularity is: 2.898
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