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The Latest Jokes - Page 272
Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants to the golf course? In case he got a hole in one!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently 'widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light,"
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
Orange...
Orange who?
Orange you glad I knocked on your door?
What do you call Batman and Robin after they get run over by a car? Flatman and Ribbon!
In a little Italian village a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch.
Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she wacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could.
He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"
She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing.
Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again.
Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.
When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference."
An Italian soldier, relaxing at his favorite bar in Roma, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.
Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"
"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
A clerk in a butcher store is 5'10'' tall. What does he weigh?
Meat!
What does a ghost wear? Boo jeans.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to
eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and
told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches.
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Bill and Tom are both 90 years old and have been best friends their whole lives. One day Bill gets very sick and is about to die and Tom goes over to see him. Tom says, "Bill we've been friends our whole lives and i only ask for one thing. Tell me if there is baseball in heaven." Soon after, Bill dies. A week later, Tom is in his room sleeping when he is awakened by a voice. the voice says, "Tom,Tom." "who are you and how do you know my name," Tom says. "it's me bill and i'm here to tell you there is baseball in heaven." "well thats good," says Tom. "yeah," says Bill, "and you're pitching on Tuesday." Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 89.3750% The joke's popularity is: 4.204
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