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The Latest Jokes - Page 279
Knock, knock. Who is there ? Atch. Atch who ? Bless you !
if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.
A man sat next to an attractive blonde in a bar and kept glancing at his watch. "Is your date running late?" She asked.
He shook his head. "This watch is very hi-tech, and it's telling me your not wearing any panties."
The blonde laughed. "It must be broken, because I am wearing panties."
The man groaned and poked the watches face. "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
what do you call a clumsy insect? a bumble bee!
A man is walking alone though the forest one day, when for no real reason he decided to talk to God. "Are you there God?" he says, and suprisingly God replies. "Sup," he says.
So the man, astonished that he's talking to God decided to ask a couple of questions. "God, what is eternity like for you?" and God replies "my son, to me eternity is but a mere second". "Wow," said the man "God, what is, a hundred thousandd million pounds like to you?" and God replies, "ahh my son. all the wealth in the world is like a single penny to me."
"God," said the man "can I have a penny?"
"Sure," said God "in a second".
what is the difference between a man and a computer?
with a computer you only have to punch the information in once
How do you get down from an Elephant? You don't you get down from a duck.
What's a ghost's favorite muffin? Boo-berry!
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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