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The Latest Jokes - Page 307
how do you get a one armed man out of a tree? wave
A group of English soldiers are marching towards Bristol, when a Scotsman yells from behind a hill, "Ye puny English dogs. I'll fight any one of ye. I'll win too." The commander, somewhat vexed, sends his best soldier to teach this savage Scotsman a lesson. However, several minutes later, the voice of the Scotsman reappears, saying, "Is that all you got? You're weaker than I thought." The commander, fuming at his defeat, then sends five of his veterans over the hill to tan the Scot's hide. Amazingly, though, the result is the same. "Come on," the Scot says. "I'm right here, sitting on me arse." Now enraged, the commander sends his entire party of 24 men to cut down this foolish Scot. After several minutes of intense fighting, one of the commander's new privates crawled over the hill. "Commander! The Scotsman lied! He isn't the only one on the other side of the hill!" "Damn!" the commander cursed. "Yeah!" the private replied. "There were TWO of them!"
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
9. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
15. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Kansas and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and she had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a West Virginia girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Upon entering the confessional, a young woman admitted to the priest, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me ... seven times!"
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?" the young woman asked.
"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."
Why did the soccer ball cross the road? Just for kicks.
Why is it that we had a man go on the moon BEFORE we invented wheels on luggage?
why did the chicken cross the road?
-who cares.
chicken tastes good
Q. what happens to the cat when you turn off the light...?
A. It's in the dark
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Howw many women does it take to change a lightbulb 3, one to do it and 2 to chat about doing it Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 88.1423% The joke's popularity is: 4.880
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