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The Latest Jokes - Page 310
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a lawnmower? A grasshopper.
How are a mouse and an elephant similar? They're both grey and huge, except the mouse.
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw
in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the
table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I
get away with it?"
If a rooster sits on top of a barn and lays an egg, which way does it roll?
It doesn't roll any way; roosters don't lay eggs.
Three men walk into a bar. They all say ouch
Q: what does god say to jesus?
A: who's your daddy!
Your little sister likes hardcore corn.
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: knock knock who's there banana knock knock who's there banana knock knock who's there banana knock knock who's there orange orange who orange ya glad i didnt say banana Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 57.6471% The joke's popularity is: 4.531
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