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The Latest Jokes - Page 311
your momma's so old her social security number is 4
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the
world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Three strings walk into a bar and find a seat. The first string goes to get a drink but the bar tender refuses to serve him because they don't serve strings. So one of the other two says, "Wait, I have an idea." So he messes up his hair, loops himself around, then walks up to the bar and orders some beers. The bar tender looks at him and says, "Hey wait, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive
woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there ," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided
to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this
to the woman.
It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my
bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three
inches off. Just send the bottle back."
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
A bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods... the bear stumbles over an old lamp.. he picks it up and rubs it... out comes a genie... the genie is so happy to be free, he offers both the bear AND the rabbit three wishes..
He says to the bear, "what is your first wish?" the bear thinks and says, "i want to be the only male bear in these woods" the genie says, "granted... and rabbit, what is YOUR first wish?"
The rabbit says, "i would like to have a very nice motorcycle helmet!!" The genie says, "Granted" and the rabbit holds a top of the line helmet...
He asks the bear, "what is your 2nd wish?" The bear answers... "i would like to be the only male bear in the whole country!" "Granted, and rabbit?? your second wish??"
The rabbit answers, "i would like to have a Harley Davidson.. newest, top of the line.. "Granted”. And bear?? your 3rd wish??"
The bear answers, "i want to be the only male bear in the whole world!!!" "Granted! and rabbit? your third wish??"
The rabbit starts up the Harley, puts on the helmet.. revvs the engine and says..
i wish that bear was gay!
a blonde calls up her boyfriend and asks him to help her with a puzzle. What's the puzzle supposed to be of, the boyfriend asks. The blonde replies, a tiger. the boyfriend tells her he'll be right over. when he gets to her house, she shows him the box to the puzzle. He looks at it and tells her, Honey, we need to put the frosted flakes back into the box.
your shirt is black pause pause pause not
How many emo's does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, they don't.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Why do Irish stews have 239 beans? Because one more would make them two farty. Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 53.2407% The joke's popularity is: 4.033
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