The Latest Jokes - Page 314

 

How do you confuse a blond? Tell her to sit in the corner of a round room.
    72.9% funny

 

At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. “Now that’s real automation! He exclaimed. “It even drinks for you!”
    94.5% funny

 

after the depressing 8-2 loss for the Toronto Maple Leafs, Raycroft threw himself infront of a bus. But don't worry, the bus went through his legs
    61.2% funny

 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
    0.0% funny

 

WHay did the dog wear glasses? His insurance didn't cover contacts
    34.9% funny

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
    42.9% funny

 

what is white and cannot climb trees? A fridge.
    72.0% funny

 

What is a pirate's favorite school subject? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!
    16.7% funny

 

where do you find the most fish? between the head and the tail
    1.5% funny

 

Whenever you think someone is wrong, walk 100 miles in their shoes, then you will have their shoes and be 100 miles away.
    11.6% funny

 

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