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The Latest Jokes - Page 318
You're so stupid you had to write TGIF on your shoes - toes go in first!
Your mom is so stupid I said it was chilly outside and she went and got a bowl.
whats green and hairy and goes up and down all day? a gooseberry in an elevator!
what's pink and fluffy? pink fuff, what's blue and fluffy? pink fluff holding it's breath!
Two Montana buddies, Tom and Bill, both sheep ranchers, joined forces to hunt down and kill the cougar that had killed some of their sheep. Laying in ambush 'til the big cat got close, both men jumped up and fired their guns. The cougar fell dead but the guys couldn't know for sure whose bullet killed it. The guys wanted to get their trophy mounted, at first thinking they could take turns displaying it. Then they decide against that plan, instead they would flip a coin to decide which guy got which end of the animal to have mounted. Tom won the toss and took the front end. For Bill it was a catastrophy!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal
car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out", and he leaves
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed; and the couple is
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it would take me to find a LAWYER?"
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.
The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"
The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."
A man, a dog, and a sheep are all on a deserted island. After a couple of months, the man decided he wanted to make love to the sheep. Every time he tried the dog would would growl and not let him get close to the sheep. Finally one day he is walking on the beach and spots a beautiful woman unconscious on a raft in the water. He brings her to the beach and nurses her back to health. She is so greatful she offers to do anything for him. He responds: You would do anything!! She says yes I will do anything. He then says would you please hold that damn dog.
I think. I think I am. Therefore, I am.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment." The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 61.7978% The joke's popularity is: 2.250
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