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The Latest Jokes - Page 319
How do you stop a rooster from
crowing on Monday morning?
Eat him on Sunday.
a man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac and asks for a pint for himself and one for the road
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find ... a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams."
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne drops keep falling on my head!
Top 10 Reasons Why It's Great to be an American
10. You can have a woman president without electing her
9. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
8. You can call Budweiser beer
7. You can be a crook and still be president
6. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
5. If you've got a driver's licence you can get a gun
4. You can invent a new public holiday every year
3. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
2. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
1. You can be Irish and American at the same time
Dad was up early Saturday morning mowing with a gas lawn mower
around some trees near our pond. The grass was still wet from the
dew, which made the slope he was mowing very slick. While lifting
an evergreen branch, Dad's foot slipped under the mower!
He was very lucky, the blade didn't cut through his shoes. It did
whack his big toe a few times before he managed to pull his foot
out though.
A few days later, Dad was telling the story to a neighbor, and
showing him his bruised and swollen toe. The neighbor took a
close look at the toe and then said, "Looks like you need to
sharpen your lawn mower blade."
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
"It's strange, when man talks to God it's called prayer. But when God talks to man it's called schizophrenia."
"The management accepts no responsibility for any articles of clothing or accessory, such as handbags or umbrellas or books on self defence, or things left unattended in the Ladies or the Gents."
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Three Rednecks were working high up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, dang, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are." Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff. Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 3.220
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