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The Latest Jokes - Page 322
Why did google laugh when i told it a joke? Because it fits mathematically
There was a guy stranded in the ocean. A boat comes by and asks him if he wants to be saved. He says "No, God will save me", so the boat goes away. A little while later, another boat comes by and asks the guy if he wants them to save him. Once again he replies, "No, God will save me", so the boat goes away. After a while the guy drowns, goes to heaven, and sees God. He asks God why he didn,t save him. God replies, "I sent 2 boats, you big dummy!"
A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Give me some chapstick, and put it on my bill!"
Q How do you make a squirrel mad? A pinch it's nuts!
It was announced today the new Arkansas quarter is going to be recalled soon over concerns it won't work in vending machines.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book!"
Why did the deer cross the road? it was the chicken's day off
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband shyly stood and turned to the audience: "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where?"
"Well," the man says, "for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
An appreciative murmer went up in the congregation.
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the bretheren what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
"Big plans!" he said with a smile. "I'm headin' back to Beijing to pick her up!"
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question:
"When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes
first?"
Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied "because when you pray, you hold your hands together in Front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister. I think it's your
feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "OH! GOD, I'M COMING!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted........
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: why did the bicycle stop? because it was too tyred Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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