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The Latest Jokes - Page 336
What do you get when you cross a green turtle and a red ant? A blue anturtle.
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you ," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
A: Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Child: Daddy, why does it rain?
Father: God is crying... because of something you did.
The Guys' Rule
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not wor th the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!
Why are there more rabbits than squirrils? Ever try it o a limb?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman.
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five
Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yes father, but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.
Lou Gehrig died of "Lou Gehrig's Disease".
Cooincidence???
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 36.0000% The joke's popularity is: 2.602
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