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The Latest Jokes - Page 337
I'm a hard act to follow: When I'm finished, I take the microphone with me!
One day Mike noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", Mike stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck Mike when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Mike takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a farmer?" she is asked.
"Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
What's red and not there? No tomatoes!
I wish Viagra made car tires….. Because I’m tired of changing flats!
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
how do they classify domuments in the Vatican?
Sacred and Top Sacred
Legal Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Pinocio is in bed with a beauitful blond.
Of course being under the sheets, the blond
told pinoico to tell another lie.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about How witty The only thing worse than being witty is not being witty Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 85.3595% The joke's popularity is: 4.884
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