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The Latest Jokes - Page 340
St. Peter was at the golden gate when he remembered he had an appointment at the doctors. He called Jesus and asked if he could find someone to take his place for a few hours. Well Jesus tried but everyone was busy so he decided he would watch the gate. When he was at the gate, along came an old man and Jesus asked him what do you want old man, and the old man said he wanted to get into heaven. Then Jesus said you must tell me a few things about yourself before I can do that. So the old man says "I am just a simple carpenter, but my son was a famous person." At this point Jesus looks at the old man and says, "Father," and the old man looks back and says "Pinocchio?"
Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last Few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
I keep taking my wife for a walk, but she always finds her way home.
What did St Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?
Are you alright in the back there?
You are so bald that when you take a shower you get brained washed.
if you want to make a cheddar and bacon omelette you've gotta cut the cheese
A child is running late to class, when a teacher stops him. He tells her, "I have to go to the bathroom really bad!" She says "OK, but you must first recite the alphabet first." So he starts, "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ". She says "Where's the P?" He said, "Running down my leg!"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed,
and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make
the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to
actually writing the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept
swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well,
yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
The farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper nodded
and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he
stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute... are you trying to
call me a horse's ass?" The farmer replied, "Oh, no, officer.
I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers
to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper
said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the
ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool
them flies though."
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America,those of us in KENTUCKY will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.
We ask that you now refer to us as BLUEGRASS-AMERICANS.
Thank you !
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres." The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere." The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night." The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday." The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Google didn't laugh at this joke, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 0.0000% The joke's popularity is: 0
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