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The Latest Jokes - Page 343
Why did the rabbit crossed the road second time?
- Because he wanted to double cross the road!
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the
bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes
over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem
dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive
to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the
box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying
another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box
and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the
cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks
his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now
Sean and his fook'n hengliding”
If drinking and driving is not allowed, why do they have parking lots at the bar ?
Confucius say: ''Man who runs behind bus is going to get exhausted
Husband always insisted on making
love in the dark. After 20yrs, wife
turns on the light, finds him holding
a vibrator. She goes ballistic. You
impotent ba*tard! How could you
lie to me all these years? Husband
looks her strait in the eye and
calmly says "I'll explain the toy. You
explain the kids"
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist!
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door, but doesn't know why.
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the 'possum it could be done. Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 50.1070% The joke's popularity is: 4.272
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