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The Latest Jokes - Page 346
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
The Patio
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he
discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY' night?"
You life is not complete until you are married...
...and then it's over.
What did the bag of chips say to the pack of batteries? I'm frito lay if you're eveready!
Two Irish guys are walking out of a bar. Hey it could happen!
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)
What kind of phones do turtles use? A shell phone
What do you call a smart blond?
A golden retriever
Enter some text (such as a joke, word, or phrase) and find out if Google laughs: Random Joke: Your little sister likes hardcore corn. Google laughed, and the joke's funniness percentage is: 85.8879% The joke's popularity is: 5.029
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